Now you've read in the pages of history
Of great battles that were fought in the past
But I sing of a battle more recent
That took place in the town of Belfast.

There's a big house they call Stormont Castle
And that's where the action was seen
When an army of professors and preachers
Took on the great strength of the Queen.

Now the soldiers all sat round a table
And pretended they were good friends
But if soldiers make money by fighting
When peace comes their money will end.

So the general who was also a preacher
(Reverend Ian!)
Felt his round collar hurting his neck
So he jumped to his feet with an almighty roar
And that was the sign for attack.

His chief gunner was also a professor
So he knew he would make a sure hit
As he bravely jumped onto a table
And let fly from his mouth a big shit.

Poor Brian was seriously wounded
But he still had the nerve not to quit
As he lay in a pool of saliva
Saying, Thank God it was only a spit.

Then the Queen's army moved into action
As so often before in the street
And after two hours of persuasion
The enemy had to retreat.

While the SLDP and Alliance
They all sat at ease in the rear
And when they saw they had no one to fight with
They killed time drinking whiskey and beer.

Now a battle has only one winner
And my winner was Eileen Paisley
(that's the Reverend's wife!)
As soon as her husband went out through the door
She sat down on Bob Cooper's knee (The author can't remember why).

And that is the end of my story
And I'm sure that we'll all understand
That while we have mad politicians
We'll never have peace in our land.